82 days. I had a wall that had a countdown before the first day of a big challenge. The Physician Licensure Examination.
82 days. Most days, learning self-discipline. There were days that momentum was good and I just kept on reading books. I haven’t read that many books, from cover to cover, in a short span (82 days!) in my entire life. Reading hasn’t been easy for me, I get bored too prematurely to finish a page when I was younger. Or narcolepsy got me. I put caffeine to my system to keep up. Or sometimes I think I’ve dyslexia. And then there were days when I felt tired, or other more interesting things kept me from my readings.
About 2000 days ago, being a doctor was never a concrete plan for me. Even back when I was a child, I never told anybody who asked that I’d be a doctor when I grew up. It was just a momentary decision after college graduation. I even applied for a Masters Degree in Clinical Audiology along with my med school application. I passed the first stage at UP, I had a slot at UST, chosen 25 amongst 50 applicants for the Masters Degree. Then I got a slot in med school. The parents and relatives eventually influenced me to choose med school.
First day of med school, I was already crying. And the 2 years after that day, I broke down a lot. I went to school but day by day I wanted to quit. Pride kept me. Shame kept me. My grades were never average. Below average and lower were my mean grades but I didn’t mind back then because I was half-hearted of my chosen path.
Came the clinicals that was in junior year. I found myself liking the program. It was the only time I enjoyed reading the books in my shelf. It was only then that I realized I wasted my first two years in med school. Much as I found things getting interesting, my wasted years dragged me down. I lacked so much basics that I wanted to go back to first year and start all over again.
In clerkship and internship, I found myself in love with medicine. Late bloomer!
82 days. It was tough for me unlike many others whose “career” started back in college when they chose Biology or Medical Technology or Physical Therapy as their pre-med…Or the many others who dreamt of becoming a doctor since 4 years old. So aside from the difficulty of digesting the basics of medicine, I also dealt with my regrets of having not been the student I should have been.
After the last day of the 4-day examination, I wanted to run away. I feared that I’d fail…my parents, my family and several others who never doubted that I won’t make it. So I went away with a backpack, by myself. I went to Manaoag, to pray some more. I went up to the cold city where I decided to be until the results came.
I went out walking, eating, sitting, drinking coffee. And I just went on walking. While I was, I was already thinking of what to do if I didn’t make it. I was thinking of the anatomy exam—how dynamic my precordium was (grade 6/6!), how I was near syncope..how I cried soon after passing my paper. I thought of the people who prayed and prayed for me…. I went walking and walking. I watched the rain (ice rain!)… and then got a call. That was it.
82 days…. It suddenly becomes nothing now that I passed the licensure exam that legitimately marks an MD on my name.
That was what I thought… That was what I thought.
And the long bus ride home...
